Vent Sesh

Don’t feel like blogging, but I haven’t in forever.

Today’s drama. The dad making me feel bad about myself. He told me I get home too late to do au pair duties. I won’t have enough time to prepare English lessons, do laundry, etc. I have been managing fine. He also said the prev au pair stayed home the one free day we have every week (started class) to do laundry and stuff, but I AM NOT DOING THAT. NO WAY. I have a life, and I am not being cooped up at home all day with the dad doing laundry. No way in hell. But I feel guilty. He makes me feel guilty. It is bs. I don’t like feeling like this.

Sometimes I want to run away to my mom, to my house, where I will just feel and be loved even if I act like a moody bitch like I sometimes do (even though I now regret all my bitchiness bc I took my sugar-coated life for granted). But I can’t do that here for obvs reasons, and it is frustrating to put on a happy face ALLLLLLLL THE TIME.

Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I am on eggshells here. Not a lot, but it is always there… a little insy bit. It is driving me insane. I sound crazy right now. I don’t care. I need a vaca. Time off. But I have like 4 weeks till a 2 week vacation, which will go by toooooo fast I know. I don’t even know what I am doing for vaca, or where to go, who to stay with. I am so pathetic and depend on everyone’s mercy here. I am frustrated. To say the least.

I miss my old life. Student life: advice for all students: never leave!! Never graduate. Real life is well real. And I am not really even in real life, but it is too much.

I hate sounding this way. Last week was so good. It is all an evil cycle. When will it end? I’d be fine if the dad didn’t make me feel guilty, but he did, so I need to move on. But it’s not like I want to fix this problem of getting home too late. I get home with enough time to start my chauffer schedule. What more do you want.

And I have to take a different train now to get to Paris earlier for class, which messes up my normal return-to-au-pair-fam-time, so this is the first day I come home “late,” and he discusses this with me. Wtf. Just leave me alone. FRUSRATED AH.

My mom just updated me about this bs birth certificate bs I mentioned days ago. The US Embassy were assholes, and just ignored my emails. Thanks America. I had to figure out how to contact Puerto Rico. And thankfully my mom called bc I am in France so calling Puerto Rico… idk how that would work. Apparently you have to go in person to get the shiz done and it costs $3, so I may have my godfam help me out. We will see.

Also… so yeah… started class today. It was like 2 hours and 15 minutes but went by pretty fast. We began with talking to our neighbor and then introducing them to the class. So I had a French convo with a German girl, and then introduced her. Pretty good practice. Then we did grammar work, and I was lost half the time. Next class, I have to prepare a 10 minute speech about my country. Talking for 10 mins in English is hard…

Class is great, but it takes all my time away from the city and just la la land in general, so that part sucks.

As for the weekend. I had lunch with Paige and Nico Friday. Then that night, I went out with those two including Vincent (for a bit), some Raleigh French friends, and one of Nico’s roomies from Raleigh, Romain, who I love, and another French named Harry (idk if there is a French spelling). We went to a few sit down bars, then to a bar/club until like 6am. It was fun! It took forever to hail a cab though, and we totally stole the cab from a couple, but it was 6am and cold and I wanted to go home.

The next day, I spent the day with Paige’s friend from Toulouse and his friends. They were all super nice and generous. The girl’s apt we were at fed is a big breakfast, and then paid for us to rent bikes and bike the city. Scary experience, but exhilarating. I died and was born again. Parisian traffic is intense, but it was a great experience.

I was one metro stop away from Jérôme’s work after bikes and saying bye, so I popped in to say hi, and coincidentally, it was his lunch break, so I joined him. I hadn’t seen him since Thursday, so it was a nice surprise. After a late lunch, I called Nico, and went to his place for a few hours because I didn’t want to go back to Jérôme’s and be alone waiting for him. I didn’t do too much at Nico’s, which was fine by me. Just chatting and talking to his sister a little (she doesn’t speak English).

Eventually I went “home,” and Jérôme came back around 10pm or so, and we were so exhausted from our separate nights out before, so we had a quiet night together. We made dinner, and just did nothing. Again fine by me. Then we slept for like 12 hours, and just chilled inside all day. It was a lovely day, though, so it was such a waste, but whatever.

I took the 6:45pm train, and my fam was all wondering why I came home so early. I had nothing else to do, so that’s why. I ate a little food. The dad made home-made bread, some egg/butter/crème fraiche concoction, and then coquette chocolate stuff from the first day I arrived (like chocolate lava cake).

I watched the Real World Reunion episode before sleeping. And then woke up at 6:30am to do the uge (idk how to spell—slang, short hand way to say “usual,” you see?).

It is cold in my room. I had a mini-heater back home in America. I wish I had it. I don’t like cold. Today was amazingly beautiful and warmed up by afternoon enough to wear my tank top without a jacket and layers, roll up pants, and wear flip flops!